Ernest Hemingway
by CarolineofCornwall
Summary: A wierd Funny story about Bellatrix. Not much romance lots of BLRL and LMNM. Basicly what the 10 escaped death eaters did after geting out of azkaban
1. Ernest Hemingway

Chapter One:

There was a book a man named Ernst Hemingway Wrote about the sea. I've never read it but it most likely says only Good things about the sea. But here I am rowing a miniscule rowboat across this cursed water. Mark Me, I don't mind the water I mind the fact that I am in this Boat with ten other fugitives and 3 other death eaters. So it isn't exactly the most comfortable arrangement. But who am I, Bellatrix Lestrange, to complain about comfort! Compared to my prison cell this is Buckingham Palace, but soon very soon I will be free! Free after 15 cursed years in that CAGE that HELL. It's not the dementors, or the smell, But it's the knowledge that I have no control of anything.

I Admit it to you now I Bellatrix Lestrange am a control FREAK I have to be in charge. But believe me, right now I am just to tired, I suppose Malfoy can take charge for the time being… Speak of the bastard….

"LEFT" Malfoy screeched, wildly gesturing to the left, "NO ROOKWOOD YOU INSOLENT FOOL I SAID LEFT YOU ARE ROWING RIGHT ARE YOU COMPLETELY USELESS!"

"Why couldn't master have apparatied us out of there or given us a portkey…or something!" My foolish brother in law, Rabastan, whined.

Lucius sighed and bit his lip. "Because, the dementors wouldn't have let you out unless they could see you work for it." He gestured to the beach back at Azkaban; Dementors were lined up waving and pointing at us in the boat. I'm sure, if they could, they would be laughing. Just then I felt a light tap on my shoulder I looked around to see my husband Rodolphus.

Many say Rodolphus and I aren't in love or I love my master instead or our marriage was arranged. But that is simply not true. I love me husband very much and I chose to marry him. Although at times he makes it hard to love him, like now. Azkaban had made his face thinner then usual there were dark circles around his eyes and his hair looked like some kind of animal nest. Most noticeable was the stubble around his face _well done_ I thought _you've grown a beard _every one knew that no mater how hard he tried Rodolphus could never grow a beard no mater how hard he tried he couldn't do it. I sure he will be delighted when he sees it.

"Hey Bella" he said in a sort of hoarse whisper "I'm hungry, I say we eat some one in this very boat who here has the most meat"

I gave him a Look and turned around.

"I guess your right we should just eat those purple pony's over there"

I looked around "Where?"

Rodolphus rolled his eyes and gestured some were to the left "There"

I looked were he pointed. Nothing. I established that he most likely has lost it. But no matter I probably have lost it to. We rowed for a few minutes in silence as the shore got closer. M y god as soon as I get out of this boat I will….well I don't know what I'll do. Most likely whatever master tells me. Damn rowing, this is NOT fun, I am NOT doing this any more. I refuse to row.

I threw my paddle up in the air and folded my arms across my chest. The other death eater's followed my lead and we all most likely looked like a boat of 4 year olds from a distance. Malfoy opened his moulth as though he was going to say something but threw his hands up and like us just sat there

"Hey Bella new plan" Rodolphus whispered in my ear " We eat either you or Rabastan, most likely Rabastan because your not fat, but you know you got boobs.. and the best part of the chicken is the breast. Wow I'm hungry, I want chicken or boobs maybe both you know I-"

But he was cut of by a loud thundering yell. " YOU GODDAMN FOOLS WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING"

"GOD IS THAT YOU" Rookwood cried out stupidly. He leapt to his feat at such a speed that the boat rocked violently and tiped over.

Damn let me tell you that water was cold. I felt like a million pins were being stabbed in to my body, like my head was about to explode. And then I just went blank…..

I am a horrible speller, and this is a rather short chapter because i have the attention span of a flee. I hope you like it though ta!

Caroline


	2. Drunken Lunitic

Chapter two:

_Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut._

Exactly what happened while I passed out I don't know all I know is that know I am lying on a bed in some weird house that smells like…old. Propping myself up on my palms I groggily looked around the smelly room. It was perhaps the ugliest place I had ever seen, and I have been to Azkaban. The wallpaper had a hideous floral pattern on it that probably dated back 50 years ago and the chest of drawers looked as though is was about to collapse. The rest of the room seemed to follow the same floral pattern making me think I was in some sort of two dimensional garden.

It's one of those weird moments that are like "What the Fuck". For a moment I forgot who I was and what I was. Before I realized I didn't know were I was in the first place. It all sounds confusing now but this is who I think all the time.

I hoisted my self up out of bed and swung my legs of the mattress. I made my way to the door hoping to find some hint of were I was. As I made my way down the hall, I recognized familiar voices drifting down the hall and realized I wasn't in this hideous house all by my self.

"YO HO YO HO A PIRATES LIFE IS FOR MY LA DA DIDIDY DAD BLEGH"

Wincing I walked down stairs and went into the living room.

"BELLA, Hey every one Bella's alive!" I saw Rodolphus leaping over the sofa to get to me, and trying to give me a big kiss. I pushed him off and stepped forward. Rookwood was cuddling with some girl, most likely a whore. Rabastan was dancing with some invisible person, and Rodolphus was eating out of a bowl greedily.

"Were are the others" I demanded

Rodolphus shrugged and continued to eat.

"I want to know whats going on"

Rodolphus jumped up and held up 7 fingers "I've had 8 bottles of wine Bella, 8"

There was a cigarette dangleing from his moulth and I realzed he was back to his old habit of chain smoking.

"I can explain" a lazily voice came from the corner Bella turned around and saw Lucius Malfoy. "The Dark Lord believes it would be best for you to stay low here for a while in till after we Potter"

"Potter! I should have know" A whiney mocky voice from the kitchen said "Potter this Potter that, Potter's so great, Potter get me a whiskey, Potter eat a raindeer, Potter slap my ass and Call me Bambi". Antonin Dolohov stepped out of the kitchen looking bored. "For some one who gets that much attention you'ed think he was attractive but he's really not that pretty you know actually he reminds me of a bunny rabit."

I crinkled up my nose "Bunny Rabbit? Did you , a harded criminal just say _bunny rabbit?_"

He nodded "A twitchy one to"

Meanwhile Rabastan was playing with the tape player. "You know muggles are quite smart actually I mean who would think of a thing like this….Look at these inserter things….Elvis…The Beatles….Madonna….Blondie….Muggle music is weirder then ours…Oh here's one Queen!"

As Rabastan Fumbled with the tape player, Rookwood and his random whore were beginning to get hardcore on the couch.

"Go upstairs" Lucius snarled

"Yeah and share" Dolohov cried as he followed then upstairs.

I plopped on the couch and heaved a sigh "SO are you stating with us to _lord_ Malfoy"

Malfoy sniffed "No I must get back home to Narcissa and-"

"Fuck her raw!" Rodolphus Laughed drunkly "B-Bella get it he's married to your sister so h-h-is gunna hick fuck hick her ha ha ha"

Malfoy frowned and hit him over the head "No I have a Business meeting with the minister of magic and-"

"You're going to fuck HIM raw right?" Rabastan giggled

Malfoy raised his hand threateningly at Rodolphus. "Well Good day Bella" He made to kiss my hand but was stopped by Rodolphus who took a half assed attempt to push him away. Malfoy merely rolled his eyes and dispirited away.

Rodolphus plopped down on the couch next to me. "Heyyyyyy Babes" attempting to be sexy and it wasn't working.

"Go away" I snarled "I'm not in the m- AHHHHHHH"

At that moment Music filled the room at the highest volume possible

"Hey you guys! I got it to work" Rabastan Shouted." I like this queen girl…except she sounds like a bunch of dudes..." He turned it down a bit a started to dance to the beat. Meanwhile Rodolphus continued on romancing me.

"You hick know Bella All the time in Azkaban I though about you naked yeah I hick know. Hot. So anyway I've got seven hick minutes till the wine I put in the oven is done ya wannahick go up stairs and do it?" he wiggled his eye brows and grinned.

"Tempting but no" I said coolly, "And seven minutes? Before Azkaban you could go for like an hour- What! Did you say you put wine in the oven? You moron it'll explode."

I leapt of the couch and ran into the kitchen, but it was to late a deafening bang signaled that Rodolphus had blown up the kitchen.

"Sorry Sorry sorry sorry and SORRY Bella PLEASE forgives me! I was DRUNK!" Rodolphus cried

"You're always Drunk" I snapped "You still are drunk- Put down that wine moron!"

Rodolphus dropped the bottle and fell to his knees "Oh great Cleopatra please don't cut of my hick n-n-noses I-I-I –I uh hick"

"I think its time for bed" I sighed _men are such children_.

"No bed please hicklet me clean this hick mess up" He begged " just t-t-t hick to show you I hick care"

"IN the morning but now you need to sleep" I screamed.

"Hey Bella" Rabastan shouted from the living room I know the words to this song now its _Are you gonna take me home tonight ? Ah down beside that red firelight  
Are you gonna let it all hang out ? Fat bottomed girls You make the rockin' world go round Hey I was just a skinny lad Never knew no good from bad But I knew life before I left my nursery – huh Left alone with big fat Fanny She was such a naughty nanny Heap big woman you made a bad boy out of me Hey hey! Wooh _– Omy god this is sick!"

Well I hope you enjoy my story it will get better I might have a sex scene but im no good at them so ya. Please review

YTa!

Caroline


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